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up and down and up and down and

What a weird day. 37 hours and counting and I still haven't smoked. When I passed the 24-hour mark this little experiment went from let's see how long I can go without a cigarette to I guess I'm fucking doing this. It was strangely emotional too. I was out running errands today (driving was a little scary) and had P!nk playing on the stereo (don't judge). It made me cry.

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had

Yeah, so, like I was saying... weird day, very up and down. Right now, I'm a non-smoker and it's no big deal — it's actually quite easy. Yet a little while ago, I was in such mental turmoil I thought I'd cave. Mostly I just have to "vape" like crazy with this e-cig and probably jack my nicotine level up higher than normal to keep from itching too badly for the thousands of other chemicals my body is apparently withdrawing from. And I believe there's a hell of a lot more than nicotine that keeps you addicted to cigarettes. Otherwise, quitting would be easy with any form of nicotine replacement. But it's not and I feel like shit.

I've had a headache all day and my stomach feels not so good. I haven't been able to eat much and coffee seems to have no affect on me. My head has been in a fog and my thoughts, while surprisingly clear (I expected to have trouble thinking), are moving in slow motion. To tops things off, my old friend anxiety showed up early in the day. I greeted it with some Xanax, which helped. I recently read that some of the chemicals in cigarettes act as MAOIs. That might explain why smoking is so calming, despite nicotine being a stimulant. It has a very positive affect on the mental condition. Since my anxiety issues have gotten way better in recent years, I'm hoping that I'll have the strength to withstand any anxiety uptick I might experience.

You know what's funny? This electronic-cigarette normally uses little lithium batteries, but I also have a USB pass-through cord to power it from my computer. So I'm sitting here listening to music through earbuds hooked to the laptop while puffing on an e-cig that's hooked to the laptop. I think I may be merging with my laptop.

Oh, I made myself laugh earlier. That was a great boost to my frame of mind. If I can laugh through this, I'll be okay. Maybe I should get the man to tickle me everyday to raise the endorphins. Or maybe there should be a lot of sex.

Actually, you know what would really help? WB announcing a TSCC DVD.


( 18 comments — Add a comment )
Oct. 8th, 2009 12:21 pm (UTC)
Hey, ain't nothin' wrong with P!nk! She's got that Sarah Connor-esque "I'm all tough and badass, but thisis gonna hurt me more than it'll hurt you" kinda vibe about her. At least that's what my "not really awake at 7:18am, but I'm late for work" brain thinks.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. All of us want a TSCC DVD too!!
Oct. 13th, 2009 01:51 am (UTC)
She's got that Sarah Connor-esque "I'm all tough and badass, but thisis gonna hurt me more than it'll hurt you" kinda vibe about her

You know, she really does. Maybe that's why I like her.

Oct. 8th, 2009 01:57 pm (UTC)

Oct. 13th, 2009 01:53 am (UTC)
This post is a few days old now and there has been no giving up!
Oct. 8th, 2009 02:06 pm (UTC)
Sarah Connor wants YOU... to quit smoking.

Good job so far hon. Keep it up. First 3 days are gonna be the hardest. Your suggestion that there should be more sex is likely a good idea.
Oct. 13th, 2009 01:55 am (UTC)
First 3 days are gonna be the hardest.

Ha! That's what they all say, but it lies. All lies! I'm still hanging in there, though.
Oct. 8th, 2009 03:41 pm (UTC)
What mullet infomercial exercise dude says! ;)

I could use a TSCC dvd movie right now too. I need to watch more badass Sarah Connor kick some robot ass. It comforts me.

Oct. 13th, 2009 01:58 am (UTC)
Sarah Connor's gotten me through some rough times before, I bet she could totally get me through this too. Yeah. I should watch some TSCC.

I'm all self-consumed right now, but I hope you're hanging in there too. *hugs*
Oct. 8th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
Hang in there!
Oct. 13th, 2009 01:59 am (UTC)
Doing my best.
Oct. 9th, 2009 12:30 am (UTC)
I didn't want to say anything at Dragon*Con, but you were puffing away like a woman possessed after that TSCC panel that got you so upset.

I wish I could offer you some advice on how to stick with it, but as a non-smoker I really don't have any.

Congrats on deciding to quit!

You can do this.

Oct. 13th, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)
LOL. Dude, that's what smokers do when they have conversation outside... they smoke! It's the side effect of smoking having been banished to the great outdoors. It'll be nice to not have to have to stand outside in bad weather anymore, that's for sure.
Oct. 9th, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
How did you make yourself laugh?
Oct. 13th, 2009 02:08 am (UTC)
I was in the savethescc chatroom and I logged in remotely as "cigarette" and taunted myself. But then I got revenge by kicking the cigarette out of the chatroom.

I am sometimes easily amused :P
Oct. 9th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
It's great you're quiting, You'll be ok. I tried, and I can't. So i'm happy everytime someone is strong enough to cut that habit. Good for you! I'm 22 and I smoke since i was 14... not much years, but a lot for nicotine and all that shit to destroy my body. you'll make it. So Congrats!
Oct. 13th, 2009 02:11 am (UTC)
Honestly, I don't think I'd be succeeding if not for this electronic cigarette. Maybe give that a try next time you get the desire to quit.
Oct. 12th, 2009 09:19 pm (UTC)
+1 on more sex, always.

Good luck keeping your personal chemistry balanced.
No relevant personal experience to offer, here.

But more sex sounds worth trying.
Oct. 13th, 2009 02:13 am (UTC)
Yeah more sex sounded good in theory, but since I've been so out of sorts, that ended up at the bottom of my list of things I feel like doing :P
( 18 comments — Add a comment )


roxy burglar
Roxy Bisquaint

Roxy Bisquaint...

Is self-indulgent. Over thinks everything. Tweets too much. Looks really good in these jeans. Wants to eat butterscotch. Makes herself laugh. Obsesses about aging. Does some crunches. Lives with two ghosts. Procrastinates daily. Measures once, cuts twice. Hates Foo Fighters. Drinks lots of coffee (keep it coming). Puts spiders outside. Brings balance to the force. Draws a perfect curve. Enjoys dark chocolate. Bangs on the drums. Always gets in the slow line. Orders from a menu. Hopes to be reincarnated. Speaks fluent Sarah Connor. Cooks tasty crack theory. Loves a good storm. Dances like a dork. Picks some locks. Tips well. Refuses to share the popcorn. Dreams about the future. Ignores the clock. Sings off key. Has a superpower. Shoots the paper bad guys. Needs some eyeliner. Goes to bed at dawn. Can't resist good smut. Quotes movie lines. Eats whipped yogurt. Lets the story tell itself. Maintains a rich fantasy life. Knows all the mysteries of the gods and of the universe.

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