Roxy Bisquaint (roxybisquaint) wrote,
Roxy Bisquaint
roxybisquaint

up and down and up and down and

What a weird day. 37 hours and counting and I still haven't smoked. When I passed the 24-hour mark this little experiment went from let's see how long I can go without a cigarette to I guess I'm fucking doing this. It was strangely emotional too. I was out running errands today (driving was a little scary) and had P!nk playing on the stereo (don't judge). It made me cry.

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had


Yeah, so, like I was saying... weird day, very up and down. Right now, I'm a non-smoker and it's no big deal — it's actually quite easy. Yet a little while ago, I was in such mental turmoil I thought I'd cave. Mostly I just have to "vape" like crazy with this e-cig and probably jack my nicotine level up higher than normal to keep from itching too badly for the thousands of other chemicals my body is apparently withdrawing from. And I believe there's a hell of a lot more than nicotine that keeps you addicted to cigarettes. Otherwise, quitting would be easy with any form of nicotine replacement. But it's not and I feel like shit.

I've had a headache all day and my stomach feels not so good. I haven't been able to eat much and coffee seems to have no affect on me. My head has been in a fog and my thoughts, while surprisingly clear (I expected to have trouble thinking), are moving in slow motion. To tops things off, my old friend anxiety showed up early in the day. I greeted it with some Xanax, which helped. I recently read that some of the chemicals in cigarettes act as MAOIs. That might explain why smoking is so calming, despite nicotine being a stimulant. It has a very positive affect on the mental condition. Since my anxiety issues have gotten way better in recent years, I'm hoping that I'll have the strength to withstand any anxiety uptick I might experience.

You know what's funny? This electronic-cigarette normally uses little lithium batteries, but I also have a USB pass-through cord to power it from my computer. So I'm sitting here listening to music through earbuds hooked to the laptop while puffing on an e-cig that's hooked to the laptop. I think I may be merging with my laptop.

Oh, I made myself laugh earlier. That was a great boost to my frame of mind. If I can laugh through this, I'll be okay. Maybe I should get the man to tickle me everyday to raise the endorphins. Or maybe there should be a lot of sex.

Actually, you know what would really help? WB announcing a TSCC DVD.
Tags: addiction, i need a brain upgrade, my laptop and i are inseparable, my life, smoking
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