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TSCC: Samson & Delilah - MY way ;)

Based on promos and the silliness that befalls me in the wee hours of the night, I've written up an abbreviated script of the first episode of the season. I couldn't cover everything, so apologies to Ellison and Catherine for not making it. Spoilers, obviously, but only if you've been living in a cave for the past several weeks.


SARAH: That's odd. I didn't tell Cameron to get exploding candles for the cake... Sarakissian, what are you doing here? Ever heard of knocking? By the way, um, do you have The Turk by any chance? Ouch. Hey! It was Derek that dragged your little girl into that alley, not me. Ouch.


JOHN: Leave my mom alone. *Kick*

SARAH: Cameron where the hell have you been? And why are you pointing a gun at John?

CAMERON: I must kill John Connor. I must kill John Connor. I must kill....

SARAH: John you better get out of here fast.

JOHN: *window crash* *Tumble* *Thud* Ouch.

*Spontaneous house combustion* (old wiring, you know - shorted out by one too many hot water heaters)


JOHN: Hey there's Cameron in the canal. Run her down!

SARAH: Damn. Missed. Whoa! *crash* *roll* John run!

CAMERON: *stomp*

SARAH: Ouch.

JOHN: Yo Cam! Leave my mom alone!

*chasing-n-running-n-car theft-n-stuff*

SARAH: Nice minivan. Hmm... I wonder if Charley would like it. We'd have room for more kids. And I could kill Michelle easy — mad combat skillz. No no no. Human life is valuable and all that. Damn.

JOHN: Mom quit daydreaming. Look out!

SARAH: *crash* Ouch. *run*

JOHN: Ouch. *run*

JOHN: Cameron doesn't have a soul and she never will. She'll never think to go in a chapel. Hey a HUGE neon crucifix. What a coincidence — I'm a savior, he's a savior... I'll electrify it just in case Cam shows up.


DEREK: I look GOOOOOOOD in these fireman's pants don't I?

CHARLEY: Let me put it this way, I've beheld worse. Hey what's that hard drive in your hand and where's Sarah?

DEREK: This thing? It belonged to the boss of the guy I killed and it's hopefully going to help us find the thing the other guy I killed made before it gets angry and kills people. BTW, you're a liability. I might kill you later. Also I think I had too much coffee today. Do you happen to have any C4 on you? And Sarah's long gone man. No use looking for her. She could be a few blocks away by now.

*radio static* car accident a few blocks away *radio static*

CHARLEY: Let's go. Hey there's that very scary robot heading into a chapel. Let's ask her if she knows where Sarah and John are.


CAMERON: *zap* Do you believe in Jesus?

SARAH: *rolls eyes*


SARAH: Thanks for bandaging my arm, Charley. *longing look*

CHARLEY: You're welcome *longing look*

DEREK: You two are creeping me out. PS - I look GOOOOOOOD in these fireman's pants.


SARAH: John we have to kill her. If a guard dog fools me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again. By the way, whose kitchen is this? Pancake mix. Awesome. You hungry?

JOHN: But I NEEEEEED her. She saved my life. I also really need a hair cut.

SARAH: Yeah well you're not getting your hair cut until you deal with your wacky cyborg.

JOHN: Fine! *crosses arms*

SARAH: I have an idea. Let's find an abandoned warehouse, wedge her between 2 cars and you can yank her chip out.

JOHN: Mom, how are we going to find an abandoned warehouse at this hour?

SARAH: Puh-lease, there's one in every town. You just have to look for a fire burning in an old oil drum. Come on.

JOHN: I'll drive.

SARAH: It's a stick.

JOHN: Nevermind.


*wedge* *chip removal*

JOHN: Now can I get my hair cut?

DEREK: John, give me that. We have to destroy her chip. She's a liar. She's twisted. I know her if you, uh, know what I mean *wink wink*

JOHN: No! *lights flare* Get back before I burn you or something!

DEREK: Hey... nephew... buddy... put the flare down. Who took you to see your 5-year-old daddy? Me. And that was good ice cream, right?

JOHN: No. I don't wanna put the flare down. It's time for me to be a badass on my own terms. It's time for me to live my life.

SARAH: John give me that. If you're going to be a badass, you're going to have to learn to use a handgun. Here take my Glock, I have 16 more. Now aim the sights at your uncle and when you're ready, exhale slowly and squeeze the trigger, don't pull it.

JOHN: *pop pop pop pop* Ouch.


SARAH: Ouch.

DEREK: Ouch.

SARAH: Well, we need to work on your aim. Put Cameron's chip back in and let's go back to that house we found and make some pancakes.

CHARLEY: You people are nuts. I'm outta here.


SARAH: John! Your pancakes are getting cold! I think I like this new house, I'm moving in.

JOHN: Hey, an electric razor. *buzzzzzzzz* Dayam! I look GOOOOOOOOOOOD with short hair. I'll bet I can get me a girlfriend next week. I hate this new house. I'm moving out.

SARAH: What the hell did you do to your hair? You're not even the John I know anymore.

CAMERON: He's the John I know.

SARAH: *rolls eyes*

SARAH VO: If I ever get my hands on a time machine, I'm sending John to live with his father for while.

Fade Out.


( 18 comments — Add a comment )
Aug. 23rd, 2008 11:13 am (UTC)
hey, that was funny!
Aug. 24th, 2008 06:03 am (UTC)
Thanks. I didn't know if I'd still think it was funny myself after actually sleeping (I get silly late at night), but I read it again and still made myself laugh. :D
Aug. 25th, 2008 10:58 am (UTC)
I'd love to read another fic...similar, makes easy the time waiting for season two...haha.
Aug. 23rd, 2008 04:07 pm (UTC)
"JOHN: But I NEEEEEED her. She saved my life. I also really need a hair cut."

That you do, but it doesn't explain why you took the eyebrows too.

"DEREK: PS - I look GOOOOOOOD in these fireman's pants"

Yes you do, I want screencaps!

So much fun! Love it.
Aug. 24th, 2008 06:02 am (UTC)
One of the show's writers said the day they were filming the scene with Derek in the fireman suit, all the women on set were swooning. So that's why I put that in there ;)
Aug. 23rd, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
John we have to kill her. If a guard dog fools me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.
Heh. If I'd been drinking anything, it would be all over the screen right now. :-D
Aug. 24th, 2008 06:00 am (UTC)
I was hoping someone would get that.
Aug. 24th, 2008 07:38 am (UTC)
I was going to ask how anybody could not get that, but I suppose not everyone has been hearing it brought back up periodically on The Daily Show.
Aug. 23rd, 2008 07:48 pm (UTC)

Is it September 8th yet?
Aug. 24th, 2008 06:00 am (UTC)
I wish. I want to see it NOW!!!!!!!!
Aug. 24th, 2008 06:15 am (UTC)
Well, you've got your season 1 DVDs to tide you over a bit longer.


It's taking so long for it to get here, though. I so, so, so badly want to see what happens in Episode 1.

I think I've seen all three movies 5-6 times each over the course of the off season wait. All 9 episodes too many times to count and a few more times after getting the DVDs. Even if I'm not paying attention I seem to have them on in the background.

I've read a billion fanfics (some crap, some good). I've read boards. Bought the SM Stirling books. Just... gah... I've not been this obsessed since Farscape.

And, as a guy, I could watch Claudia Black or Summer Glau read from a dictionary and be happy.

Help. I need an intervention.

Or season 2.

Aug. 24th, 2008 06:55 am (UTC)
You don't need to see it, I just gave you the whole play-by-play ;)

I won't even speculate how many times I've watched the 9 episodes. It's, uh, it's a lot. I've never been so caught up in any show before. I was pretty obsessed with Twin Peaks back in the day but I don't think any anything else ever grabbed me that much until LOST. TSCC has far surpassed it, though. I rarely even post on LOST message boards anymore, yet even in the off-season I don't know if a day goes by that I'm not discussing TSCC. It's got a serious hold on me. I'm just glad I'm not the only one. Heh. When T2 came out, I was like this, but there was no outlet for it. I love the internet.

If I'd actually seen Farscape back when it was originally on, I might have gotten sucked into the fandom of it more. I never saw it until earlier this year though. I loved it, but it's just not quite the same seeing it so long after the fact. As a straight girl I could be happy watching Claudia Black read the dictionary.

Aug. 24th, 2008 07:06 am (UTC)
Speaking of TSCC fic (and a love of zombies), you might enjoy this.
Aug. 24th, 2008 02:27 pm (UTC)
Ooooh. Thank you for pointing me at that.

Freaking awesome.

Like putting peanut butter and jelly together. Chocolate and peanut butter. Banana pudding and ketchup. Spinach and key lime pie.

Just one of the best combinations you can have in a story. Terminators and zombies.


Aug. 24th, 2008 08:48 pm (UTC)
Cameron doesn't have a soul and she never will. She'll never think to go in a chapel. Hey a HUGE neon crucifix. What a coincidence. I'm a savior, he's a savior... I'll electrify it just in case Cam shows up.

Oct. 2nd, 2008 06:48 pm (UTC)
This? Is comedy GOLD, baybeeee!

And you wrote this just based on the promos and interviews and stuff? I am impressed. Very close to canon, I'd say. :P
Oct. 2nd, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC)
Hee. Thanks. I did kind of obsessively study pay close attention to all the promos before the season started.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 22nd, 2008 12:12 am (UTC)
Thank you. It was fun writing that. :)
And yes, it was just based on promos. Looking back I really didn't do too bad at piecing stuff together.
( 18 comments — Add a comment )


roxy burglar
Roxy Bisquaint

Roxy Bisquaint...

Is self-indulgent. Over thinks everything. Tweets too much. Looks really good in these jeans. Wants to eat butterscotch. Makes herself laugh. Obsesses about aging. Does some crunches. Lives with two ghosts. Procrastinates daily. Measures once, cuts twice. Hates Foo Fighters. Drinks lots of coffee (keep it coming). Puts spiders outside. Brings balance to the force. Draws a perfect curve. Enjoys dark chocolate. Bangs on the drums. Always gets in the slow line. Orders from a menu. Hopes to be reincarnated. Speaks fluent Sarah Connor. Cooks tasty crack theory. Loves a good storm. Dances like a dork. Picks some locks. Tips well. Refuses to share the popcorn. Dreams about the future. Ignores the clock. Sings off key. Has a superpower. Shoots the paper bad guys. Needs some eyeliner. Goes to bed at dawn. Can't resist good smut. Quotes movie lines. Eats whipped yogurt. Lets the story tell itself. Maintains a rich fantasy life. Knows all the mysteries of the gods and of the universe.

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