Here's what happens when you quit smoking:

Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression...

How many more weeks (months? years?) of this hell do I have ahead of me? Because I'm hitting my limit. This isn't me. And I feel physically awful every single fucking day. My sinuses have never been worse and my digestive system apparently has no clue how to process food anymore. I have no appetite. I have no energy. I have zero sex drive. I have random muscle soreness and joint pains. I'm weak. My skin looks and feels terrible (I look so much older too — even my mother told me how old I look! Thanks, mom. Appreciate it.). Every day is a bad hair day. Food doesn't taste any better. My sense of smell is the same if not worse. I'm cold all the time.

WHAT THE FUCK? All of that is the opposite of what is supposed to happen when you quit smoking. Of course, they also say you gain weight and you're angry all the time. Neither has happened to me. I've probably been a little short-fused here and there, but certainly nothing noteworthy. And I haven't gained an ounce. The e-cig is probably giving me enough nicotine to prevent any anger flares and it also keeps me from filling my cigarette void with snacking.

It's been over five weeks now and the only improvements are that my daily severe headaches and sore throats have subsided. Those were symptoms of the quitting itself, though, so I've still yet to experience anything good as a result of quitting.

Whew. I really needed to get all that off my chest. I'm just tired of feeling like shit, mentally and physically. This is why I've been so absent lately and I hope it all subsides soon. I miss you guys and I miss me.


Possibly related news

Yesterday, I had my first ever dream about teeth falling out! Actually it was only one tooth. I was flossing and my back tooth popped out. It was ridiculously small too. I mention this because I know it's a really common dream — teeth falling out — but I've never actually had one (not that I remember anyway). I did have a dream about a pile of tiny toothbrushes one time may years ago. I thought that was bizarre, but now that I just dreamed about a tiny tooth falling out, I guess it makes more sense. And yet I have no clue why I'd be dreaming about tiny toothbrushes or tiny teeth.


In other news

Since I needed something to distract myself with I'm learning how to use Final Cut Express. My first project is a TSCC fan vid (about Sarah, of course!). I don't have too much more to do on it and I think I'll finish it tomorrow. I'm at the mercy of my concentration and creativity, though.

Summer Glau made an appearance in one of my dreams recently... I walked into my bedroom and there she was putting away the man's laundry. What's up with that? The man was out in the living room completely unaware, so I went and told him. Next thing you know, he and Summer are chatting away in our bedroom and she's pointing out which of his shirts is her favorite. I don't think I need a shrink to analyze this one for me.... Hey Summer Glau! Get the hell out of my bedroom!

I'm fully expecting Felicia Day to be folding the man's jeans or something in dream soon. Since we've been watching The Guild, he's suggested to me (on more than one occasion) that I should dye my hair red again. Can't imagine why. I did, though. I got my hair colored today and I went red. It's much darker than a Felicia Day red, but the man was pleased anyway.

I had a lucid dream this morning that the man was standing in the kitchen with a load of heavy tools in his arms and he needed me to come open the basement door for him. I tried, but it's like I wasn't really there so I couldn't open the door. It was very weird — I was in the dream and also in my bed having the dream at the same time. It's not like I've never had a lucid dream before, but this was different. My mind was in the kitchen trying to help the man, but my body was still in bed making it impossible to get that door open.

But the need to open the door was so compelling that I finally got out of bed, walked through the kitchen and reached for the basement door...

Wait. That was a dream. The man is not here waiting for me to open the door.

I don't know why, but I opened it anyway. And then went back to bed.

I've got the vocals from the baby monitor in Sarah's turtle dream in Complications (it helps to have an audio engineer in the family). My brother (the sound guy) said there were 2 distinct vocal tracks in there. He isolated them, cleaned them up as well as he could and slowed them down a bit.

Don't get too excited because they're still quite distorted. It kind of sounds like someone whispering from the far end of a long metal pipe, and on the first few listens it'll sound like nonsense. But after repeat listenings, you can tell there are words being said.

The links to MP3s and my interpretation of what's being said are below:

Baby monitor vocal - Part 1
"because I made you"

Baby monitor vocal - Part 2
"you've become mine"

Let me know if you think they say something different.