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bleh

Here's what happens when you quit smoking:

Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Depression. Depression. Anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. Depression...

How many more weeks (months? years?) of this hell do I have ahead of me? Because I'm hitting my limit. This isn't me. And I feel physically awful every single fucking day. My sinuses have never been worse and my digestive system apparently has no clue how to process food anymore. I have no appetite. I have no energy. I have zero sex drive. I have random muscle soreness and joint pains. I'm weak. My skin looks and feels terrible (I look so much older too — even my mother told me how old I look! Thanks, mom. Appreciate it.). Every day is a bad hair day. Food doesn't taste any better. My sense of smell is the same if not worse. I'm cold all the time.

WHAT THE FUCK? All of that is the opposite of what is supposed to happen when you quit smoking. Of course, they also say you gain weight and you're angry all the time. Neither has happened to me. I've probably been a little short-fused here and there, but certainly nothing noteworthy. And I haven't gained an ounce. The e-cig is probably giving me enough nicotine to prevent any anger flares and it also keeps me from filling my cigarette void with snacking.

It's been over five weeks now and the only improvements are that my daily severe headaches and sore throats have subsided. Those were symptoms of the quitting itself, though, so I've still yet to experience anything good as a result of quitting.

Whew. I really needed to get all that off my chest. I'm just tired of feeling like shit, mentally and physically. This is why I've been so absent lately and I hope it all subsides soon. I miss you guys and I miss me.


Possibly related news

Yesterday, I had my first ever dream about teeth falling out! Actually it was only one tooth. I was flossing and my back tooth popped out. It was ridiculously small too. I mention this because I know it's a really common dream — teeth falling out — but I've never actually had one (not that I remember anyway). I did have a dream about a pile of tiny toothbrushes one time many years ago. I thought that was bizarre, but now that I just dreamed about a tiny tooth falling out, I guess it makes more sense. And yet I have no clue why I'd be dreaming about tiny toothbrushes or tiny teeth.


In other news

Since I needed something to distract myself with I'm learning how to use Final Cut Express. My first project is a TSCC fan vid (about Sarah, of course!). I don't have too much more to do on it and I think I'll finish it tomorrow. I'm at the mercy of my concentration and creativity, though.



Comments

( 14 comments — Add a comment )
gothamite66
Nov. 13th, 2009 02:29 pm (UTC)

Big*HUG*

It will get better. And always remember...

Never give up.
roxybisquaint
Nov. 13th, 2009 11:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

Never give up.

I won't. I'll never give up, never stop fighting :)
sabaceanbabe
Nov. 13th, 2009 03:00 pm (UTC)
Have you thought about maybe getting a general check up, just to make sure there isn't some other problem that the smoking may have masked? :(

And let me know if you want a vid beta. I'm happy to take a look at it.
trystanknight
Nov. 13th, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC)
Hmm.
I'm with sabaceanbabe (coolest username ever) on this one, a quick checkup after ditching cigs is never a bad thing, the doctor may be able to help you out. Also, they might be able to prescribe something short-term only for the depression and anxiety to help you get through this.

Beyond that, I think the aging and soreness are actually symptoms of quitting more-addictive drugs like cocaine and stuff, so what you may be seeing there is the temporary trauma your body's going through as it adapts to life without the cigarettes. Also, soreness is a side effect of severe stress, which you're sure under during this trying time.

I suspect it will all turn back around in another month or so, depending on how your body reacts (everyone's so different, one can't make sweeping generalizations). Keep strong like Sarah, keep conquering the things, and maybe see if you can get any help from the doctor. Be well, Roxy!
roxybisquaint
Nov. 14th, 2009 12:14 am (UTC)
Yeah I probably should, but I've been stalling to give quitting smoking time to do whatever it's going to do to my cholesterol (it was slightly high in July and I'm overdue for retesting).

And let me know if you want a vid beta. I'm happy to take a look at it.

Yay. I was going to ask you to beta it when I finished, so I'm definitely going to take you up on that offer.
spectralbovine
Nov. 13th, 2009 04:05 pm (UTC)
I have no experience quitting smoking, but I imagine that it will be shitty until it gets better. Although a co-worker of mine felt much much better almost immediately, so it could be different for everyone.
roxybisquaint
Nov. 14th, 2009 02:48 am (UTC)
it will be shitty until it gets better

That totally needs to be in a fortune cookie.

It definitely affects people differently. Since I've felt so crappy, I've searched out all these issues and found plenty of other people that have gone through the same things. So at least I know I'm not alone... and not entirely crazy :P
indiefic
Nov. 13th, 2009 04:32 pm (UTC)
I hear the 'oh you'll feel SO much better immediately' crap all the time but in the last 18 months both my best friend and my boss quit smoking after more than a decade and their experiences (from what they told me and/or screamed at people on the street) is pretty much what you're describing.

A year out both of them now say they feel better day to day but it was a long road. And their senses of taste and smell took a long time to improve. Also both of their respiratory problems got a lot worse before they finally improved across the board.

Hang in there. You're kicking ass.
roxybisquaint
Nov. 14th, 2009 03:19 am (UTC)
Thanks. I have no plans of quitting my quitting, but I really needed to vent. And it really helps to know other people have gone through similar experiences.

I guess for some it's a few days of withdrawal, some grumpiness and then WOW I feel great while they fight off cravings for a couple weeks. But I'm starting to believe they're the minority, even though it's mostly what you hear about. I never thought I'd be like this (and certainly not for this long).
tackdriver56
Nov. 13th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
Recovering from addiction
+1 on the doctor visit, if you haven't done it recently. It's only money and time, and exposure to God-knows-what in the waiting room.

Mom reported an transient increase in respiratory problems when she quit. Your lungs, formerly patiently awaiting death, are now struggling to resume their normal cleansing functions.

Also, you're still inhaling a neurotoxin: nicotine, from your e-cig. Is there a doctor involved in your dosing schedule?

The tooth nightmare: I accept full responsibility. A week after the dental work I wrote about, I'm *almost* healed and free of discomfort. Almost. I regret mistreating my teeth in my youth. My dentist is a good soul, but I wish my only relationship with her was unprofessional. (Is that wrong to say?)
roxybisquaint
Nov. 15th, 2009 12:13 pm (UTC)
Re: Recovering from addiction
The tooth nightmare: I accept full responsibility.

GUILTY! Ha. It probably is your fault. I'm so wrapped up in myself right now, I'd forgotten about your dental hell. Glad you're doing okay. No more lollipops, bubble gum, or late night Snickers bars for you.

you're still inhaling a neurotoxin: nicotine, from your e-cig. Is there a doctor involved in your dosing schedule?

Oh, toxin schmoxin. The only way nicotine is playing into all this is if I'm not getting enough of it. But no, there's no doctor consult on this. There's nothing they could tell me anyway. When I want to break the nicotine dependence then I just do what you do with regular NRTs and reduce the strength over a few months time.

At the moment, I have a few different strengths and I just use whatever is the lowest I can manage on. A few times a day I just feel like something's missing, so I give myself a spike of a high strength. The rest of the time, I'm on low and medium strength. Most times I can't even tell the difference as long as the flavor comes through well enough.

I am going to go to the doctor soon, though.
tackdriver56
Nov. 15th, 2009 03:42 pm (UTC)
Re: Recovering from addiction
Ferrara Pan Atomic Fireballs. My downfall. Sugar Daddy was a good one, too, but Fireballs were the best.

NRT expands to Nicotine Reduction Techniques?

Are you finding that the e-cig is letting you reduce your daily dose over time? When I look at the withdrawal timelines, it appears that smell and taste don't really recover until you actually quit, and the lung recovery may take anywhere from 1 to 9 months.

I'm sure there are folks on here who have real experience to share... I'm just curious and trying to be helpful. The doctor may or may not help, but she's probably way more qualified than any of US to point you toward better health and quality of life.

My uninformed opinion of the e-cig is that despite the benefit of cleaner nicotine delivery, it does maintain the delivery of nicotine, as would the patch, but it also maintains the mechanical part of the habit you're trying to get rid of, which the patch would help you break.

Good luck with your continued struggle. Hopefully the doctor visit will be helpful. We miss you when you're away!
rkc_erika
Nov. 13th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
It's common to have dreams about teeth falling out? Oh thank god, I actually had one of those a couple of nights ago and they always disturb me.

If you're emotions are so out of whack, you might want to consult a doctor, they can probably get you some meds to help you get through the side effects from not smoking. Good for you hon, I'm proud of you :)
roxybisquaint
Nov. 14th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
Thank you :)

The problem with meds is antidepressants take a while to help and by the time made me better, I might be better anyway. I think I'd rather tough it out for now. If things get worse or drag on too much longer, though, I'm sure I'll change my mind about that.

It's common to have dreams about teeth falling out? Oh thank god, I actually had one of those a couple of nights ago and they always disturb me.

Yes indeed. Teeth-falling-out dreams are very common. My husband has them a lot so I've read about it before. Interpretations are all over the place, of course, but apparently lots of people have such dreams.
( 14 comments — Add a comment )

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Roxy Bisquaint

Roxy Bisquaint...

Is self-indulgent. Over thinks everything. Tweets too much. Looks really good in these jeans. Wants to eat butterscotch. Makes herself laugh. Obsesses about aging. Does some crunches. Lives with two ghosts. Procrastinates daily. Measures once, cuts twice. Hates Foo Fighters. Drinks lots of coffee (keep it coming). Puts spiders outside. Brings balance to the force. Draws a perfect curve. Enjoys dark chocolate. Bangs on the drums. Always gets in the slow line. Orders from a menu. Hopes to be reincarnated. Speaks fluent Sarah Connor. Cooks tasty crack theory. Loves a good storm. Dances like a dork. Picks some locks. Tips well. Refuses to share the popcorn. Dreams about the future. Ignores the clock. Sings off key. Has a superpower. Shoots the paper bad guys. Needs some eyeliner. Goes to bed at dawn. Can't resist good smut. Quotes movie lines. Eats whipped yogurt. Lets the story tell itself. Maintains a rich fantasy life. Knows all the mysteries of the gods and of the universe.

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